To Go Away
by DixieH
Summary: This is set just about now. They’re working as they always have, but something has happened that will change everything and Goren’s afraid. Very afraid. GE Friendship Maybe


_This is set just about now. They're working as they always have, but something has happened that will change everything and Goren's afraid. Very afraid. - Dix_

_No copy write infringement is intended or implied. Characters are the property of Dick Wolf etal._

**To Go Away:**

He doesn't know how he'll tell her. He's thought about it a lot and he still doesn't have a workable plan. Maybe he'll just slide the offer across the desk for her to read. She'll see the letterhead. She'll see the salary they're offering and she'll understand why he can't say no. She'll understand why it's impossible for him to stay at the NYPD. Or maybe he'll keep it to himself until the contract is signed and he's written his letter of resignation and then buy her dinner somewhere heartbreakingly unaffordable. Either way he knows he _has_ to tell her. But another day passes and another and he still hasn't told her he's leaving.

- - - - -

Bobby is on the job when the head-hunter calls. He's sitting beside Eames, at her desk, and they are searching a database on her laptop. When the phone rings on his desk, she slows the rate of scroll. He stands and leans across her desk. He snags the receiver with two fingers and puts it to his ear.

"Goren" he says. He listens for a moment. "Yes" he says as the woman introduces herself. "Yes" he says again when she confirms his identity. Would he be willing to review some information on a position with a reputable institution? "Yes" he says, not really understanding what she's asking him. She confirms the addressing details and advises that she will courier a package to him in the next few days. He drops the phone back into the cradle and sits back down beside Eames.

"What was that?" She asks when he doesn't volunteer. Her eyes are still focused on the screen.

He shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders slightly. She glances at him and catches the gesture, but doesn't press him for an answer just increases the scroll rate and focuses on the case.

He doesn't think about the phone call again until he walks into the squad room two days later and finds a white and gold courier pack envelope sitting in the middle of his otherwise bare desk. He picks it up and turns it over confirming that it is addressed to him. He sets it down again and puts his binder on top of it. He hangs up his overcoat before settling back at the desk. He pulls the cardboard tab on the package and shakes the contents onto his desk. There's a single page letter clipped to a coil bound booklet. He scans the cover letter and glances at the accompanying document. When Eames arrives, he folds the courier pack in half and jams it into the trash can. He pushes the booklet and the cover letter into his binder and opens a file on his desk. She watches him carefully as she drapes her jacket over the back of her chair, but doesn't say one word.

After work it doesn't take him long to digest what the bump in salary, the four weeks vacation annually and the travel and conference allowance might do to his life. There would be an opportunity to teach, to do research and perhaps to write. There would be no middle of the night phone calls. There would be no shift work and no overtime. Professionally and financially the whole thing is a 'no brainer'. So he follows up with a phone call and agrees to attend an interview. It means taking time off work with some plausible excuse. It means shining his shoes, getting his best suit cleaned, having his hair cut, dusting off his curriculum vitea and flying to Houston. Easy.

- - - - -

It is a relief to come back to work afterwards. It is good to fall back into the routine of case work and home. He puts the interview and the doorway it might open out of his mind and concentrates on the life he has, not the future, which might never materialize. But just as he's getting his rhythm back, his cell phone rings. He glances at the caller id and stands abruptly. He walks away from his desk to answer the phone. Alex watches him go. He's drifting again and she hasn't figured out yet what will draw him back. He's introspective and secretive. He feels her gaze, but ignores the unspoken questions when he comes back. He feigns concentration on the case file in front of him and eventually she drops her gaze and returns to her own.

The idea of packing his books into boxes and his clothes into suitcases and moving across the country is easy to contemplate. A fresh start with new people who don't know every terrible thing about him excites him. Leaving New York and the NYPD will be easy.

The hard part will be looking her in the eye and telling her, because leaving Eames behind is more difficult to contemplate. She is the road block, not because they are lovers or friends, but because they are anything but.

If they met in the park or in a line up they wouldn't start talking, find common ground, and then over time begin to share more and more of their lives. Major Case is all they've got. It's all they share. He understands this. He knows that once he leaves, they may have the occasional phone call or perhaps a hurried meal, if he returns to testify at an upcoming trial. But once he's gone, she'll move on to another partner and he'll have to construct a life where she doesn't throw him a rope when he drifts too far.

The relationship they share now will be washed away like a sand castle on some beach. And he'll be left with memories of her. Memories of her tenacity and her fearlessness and her loyalty and it breaks his heart to think of leaving her behind. And every day he puts off telling her is another brick in the wall that he's slowly erecting. He's walling himself in as a defence against losing her. By the time he's done, the wall will be broad and tall and too long to walk around. Either he won't be able to leave or he won't miss her if he does because he's mostly already left.

Bobby knows that when he faxes the signed contract and submits his resignation, he will lose forever the one person who never let go. All those times he stood on the edge of the cliff, all those times he tumbled into some private hell she never once let go. All these years she held on and he can't imagine moving out of her range. Bobby doesn't know what will become of himself if he trades the security of her presence in his life for money and prestige.

But he has to go for every logical reason; he has to say good bye or whatever you say to the one person who's held on when others walked away. He has to say thank you. Thank you for the last ten years. Thank you for making ten terrible years easier and better because you didn't let go when I was falling off the cliff.

- - - - -

A week after he gets back from Houston, Lewis buys him a beer. It's easy to tell Lewis. "I'm leaving New York. I'm taking a great job in Houston. I'm packing my books and my clothes. I'm moving across the country."

And once Lewis is done slapping him on the back and toasting his really great future and asking all those necessary questions: "When do you leave? When do you start? Where will you live? … Can I come visit?" An uneasy silence settles over them. Finally Lewis asks, "What about Detective Alex?"

Bobby won't look at him. He just rolls the glass around in his hand and shakes his head. "I haven't told her."

"Why not?"

Bobby shrugs but doesn't say what he's thinking. He's thinking that he doesn't know how he can live without her.

"She'll be happy for you." Lewis says. He always thinks the best of Detective Alex.

"Yeah."

They sit for another minute.

"She can visit. You can talk on the phone. You'll come back here." Lewis offers these suggestions because he can't imagine that Bobby has worked with her for ten years and hasn't at least become her friend.

"Yeah." Bobby says, knowing that she won't visit, they won't talk on the phone and when he comes back, she'll be too busy to see him.

"No Detective Alex." Lewis said quietly, to himself, and takes a long sip. Bobby is _his_ only link to Detective Alex. "Maybe you shouldn't go." He says.

- - - - -

That is the turning point. That is the moment Bobby knows that he is going and he has to tell her, not at some vague moment in the future but now, right now. He says good bye to Lewis and stands on the street to dial her number.

She answers right away.

"It's Bobby. "

"Time to go to work?"

"No, No I need to talk to you. "

"I'll put the coffee on," She says.

She swings open the door at his knock and smiles at the sight of him. She's wondering if she'll finally get the answers to all her questions.

He sits across from her at the kitchen table. They've run through the weather and he's apologized for the lateness of the hour again and she's excuses this and points out that she just got home herself. He's shifting in the chair still uncomfortable and still searching for a way to begin when she says, "What's up?"

He admits to the delay. "I should have told you before."

She looks him in the eye. Inside a tide of fear rises and rolls in her stomach. When he doesn't answer right way, she shrugs and lets him off the hook. "So tell me now. "

Bobby nodded. "I got a job offer." He slides the white envelope out of the pocket of his jacket and hold it out towards her. She glances at the meaningless return address then slips the single sheet out of the opened envelope. She glances at the letterhead and back at his face. Then bends her head to read it. He can't see her expression, a long shadow darkens her features and her hair curtains her eyes. When she looks his way again she's smiling. "Lucky dog! This is terrific. You're going to take it of course. You have to take it."

He shrugs a little and returns the smile. "Yeah, It makes sense, but…" He looks away uncomfortable with the swell of emotion he's feeling.

"Oh yeah, you have a ton of books to pack. No sweat I'll help." He looks at her then wondering if he's misjudged her.

"Is it all set? When do you leave? Have you got a place down there yet? Can I come visit?"

It came out in a rush and as he dealt with each question he came to see their relationship in a new light. "Yeah all set."

"Not for a couple of weeks. I haven't given my notice yet."

"I'll rent a place once I get down there. Lewis offered to drive a rental truck down with my stuff in it once I get a place."

She grinned. "That's great.," she said. "I could come help you unpack."

"Really? You'd come visit?"

"Sure." She grinned.

- - - - -

They stand together beside the door, awkward now in each other's company. He pushes his arms into the sleeves of his jacket.

"Bobby why didn't you tell me before?"

He shakes his head and looks away. "I forgot you were my friend," he says simply.

Her forehead wrinkles and she gives him a puzzled look.

"I knew I had to take this job, but I didn't want to lose - you." He swallows hard and studies the pattern of the rug he is standing on. " I owe you a lot. I can't imagine moving away and never seeing you again."

When he looks up, he is surprised to see there are tears floating in her eyes.

She exhales quickly then and a fringe of hair brushes across her face. "With you gone maybe I'll finally get a promotion." She turns away from him as the tears started to fall. He hears it for what it is, a brick in her own wall. He puts a hand on her shoulder and with gentle pressure pulls her towards him. When she is cradled against his chest. He says quietly, "Maybe you will." and the sound of her crying breaks his heart after all.

Fin

...thanks for reading! - Dix


End file.
